


Lavenger Fingers

by sohaexmin



Category: NCT (Band), NCT 127 - Fandom, Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Abuse, Gay, Gay Male Character, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Physical Abuse, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-10
Updated: 2020-11-12
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:01:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,215
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27462370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sohaexmin/pseuds/sohaexmin
Summary: Phillip Sutter thinks he's the only one with problems.Until he meets someone that changes things..."These violent delights, have violent ends.And in their triumph die, like fire and powder,which as they kiss, consume..."
Relationships: Johnny Seo x Male OC, Johnny Suh x Male OC, Mark Lee x Male OC





	1. EPIGRAPH

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING:  
> The story contains depicted scenes  
> of attempted suicide, and domestic physical abuse.  
> READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phillip Sutter thinks he's the only one with problems.  
> Until he meets someone that changes things...
> 
> "These violent delights, have violent ends.  
> And in their triumph die, like fire and powder,  
> which as they kiss, consume..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING:  
> The story contains depicted scenes  
> of attempted suicide, and domestic physical abuse.  
> READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED.

****

**> >>>>**/ _< <<<<_

**"THESE VIOLENT DELIGHTS,**

**have violent ends..."**

_> >>>>_/ **< <<<<**

****

**INTRODUCING INNTOUCH NAPHAT**

_as PHILLIP SUTTER_

**WITH JOHNNY SEO**

**MARK LEE**

**BANG CHAN**

**FELIX LEE**

**and the rest of STRAY KIDS, NCT, AND MORE.**

**S O U N D T R A C K**

  * **MT. WASHINGTON / LOCAL NATIVES**
  * **INTO THE WOODS SOMEWHERE / HOZIER**
  * **LITTLE STAR / STINA NORDESTAM**
  * **THUNDER / RY X**
  * **JOHNNY / SOFI TUKKER**
  * **CREEPIN' / HAYLEY WILLIAMS**
  * **PRETTY PIECE OF FLESH / ONE INCH PUNCH**
  * **HEAVY IN YOUR ARMS / FLORENCE + THE MACHINE**
  * **MERMAID / SKOTT**
  * **HOSTAGE / BILLIE ELLISH**
  * **MY OASIS / SAM SMITH & BURNA BOY**
  * **ALL I'VE EVER NEEDED / PAUL MCDONALD & NIKKI REED**
  * **EMERALD / RINI**
  * **IT WILL RAIN / BRUNO MARS**
  * **LET DOWN / PARIS JACKSON**



**B O N U S T R A C K S**

  * **THE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE / MARILYN MANSON**
  * **AFTER / WIDE OPEN CAGE**
  * **PRAISE THE LORD (DA SHINE) / A$AP ROCKY, SKEPTA**
  * **FUKK SLEEP / A$AP ROCKEY, FKA TWIGS**




	2. PROLOGUE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phillip Sutter thinks he's the only one with problems.  
> Until he meets someone that changes things...
> 
> "These violent delights, have violent ends.  
> And in their triumph die, like fire and powder,  
> which as they kiss, consume..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING:  
> The story contains depicted scenes  
> of attempted suicide, and domestic physical abuse.  
> READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED.

**"** _Oh, here will I set up my everlasting rest,_

_And shake the yoke of inauspicious stars from this world-wearied flesh._

_Eyes, look your last._

_Arms, take your last embrace._

_And lips. O' you the doors of breath, seal with a righteous kiss,_

_A dateless bargain to engrossing death._ **"**

**\- Romeo + Juliet _Act 5, Scene 3_**

**END OF PROLOGUE.**


	3. FIRST DAY

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phillip Sutter thinks he's the only one with problems.  
> Until he meets someone that changes things...
> 
> "These violent delights, have violent ends.  
> And in their triumph die, like fire and powder,  
> which as they kiss, consume..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING:  
> The story contains depicted scenes  
> of attempted suicide, and domestic physical abuse.  
> READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED.

****

**> >>>>/** _< <<<<_

**I HAD A** perfect summer.

Well, not nearly a perfect summer. My mother died before I could even have the _'perfect summer'_. She was in a car accident -- her car crashed outside of the town line of a bridge. It was unexpected, like any other 'accident'. They blame the slippery roads during a rain storm. I'd like to think that it wasn't.

The summer might've been short for some, but for me it felt quite long. I had mostly spend it occupied inside the house, watching cartoons on the couch. Taking long hour naps. Sitting outside in my backyard looking at an old abandon shed I use to play in when I was a little kid. Just reminiscing on the past...

I could have kept my mind off things if I had gone out to spend it with my friends. But, I had no energy.

Scratch that, I lied.

I didn't want to. I wasn't up for anything. Dad tried to get me out of the house -- attempted to get me out of the house. He tried to get me to watch some crappy alien movie that recently came out, and practically beg for me to go out and watch it with him. I had eventually had to give in...

He had fun. I sulked at how bad the script was.

_> >>>>_ **/ <<<<<**

By the time I realized I shouldn't act like a sourpuss, especially to the old man, it was time for me to return back to the first day of school. And I am expected to have a good first day back to school, because that's what everyone is counting me to have. I am expected to have a huge smile on my face, and say that I'm totally okay, and had _'wished to spend more time with my ' **friends'** this summer.'_ Dads' saying, not mine. I had dressed myself in newly bought clothes that Dad and I had went shopping for just a few weeks before at some thrift store that just opened in town. I bought clothes that were a size too big on me, but Dad thinks I would be able to fit in them as the year progresses, and I _'gain a little more weight back.'_

He wishes.

I fix (or rustle it up with my hands) my hair, and grab ahold of my bag with my keys, phone and earbuds. I walk out of my room, and head downstairs and turned into the hallway to walk towards the kitchen area. The old man is sitting at the small table with a newspaper in one hand, and a coffee mug in the other. Typical Father Behavior. He's not in uniform, and he's not in uniform because it's his _'day off'_. A Sheriff never gets a _'day off'_. I know what he's doing, and I don't need him to worry about me. I'll be fine...I think.

He didn't fix any breakfast because he's a terrible cook, so I fixed myself a glass of orange juice from the fridge, and grabbed a granola bar from the cabinet. I set my things on the island counter, and walked over towards the small table, and sat across from him. Our eyes met when I had opened the bar, and took a bite out of it. I waited for a response. I assumed he knew what I wanted him to tell me. Again, Typical Father Behavior. He's giving me one of his _'dad looks'_ \-- one where it goes from mild concerned, to proud and peace. A small sigh escapes from his lips, and drops the paper onto the table. He asks, "are you okay with walking to school? I can drop you off."

A thin smile forms on my lips, and I swallow the small bites I've taken from the bar. I shake my head, "I'm fine with walking."

He's quiet now, and he's giving me another _'dad vibe'_ again -- where he tries to think of something to say so that I'll go with him, but it changes. I can see it in his face that he thinks I'm annoyed by him, which I am, but I don't want him to. I just want things to go back to the way they were. I lost interest in drinking the rest of my OJ, and eating the granola bar. I got up from the table, and walked over towards the sink to pour out the juice, and throw the bar into the garbage bin. I can feel his 'concerned dad' eyes on me. I let a soft sigh, and turn my head to look at him. I gave him a genuine smile -- just to give him a little sense that I'm doing the right thing.

"I'll see you after school."

I nip my bottom lip, and grab a hold of things from the island counter, and left the kitchen. I walk towards the front door, and I feel a sense of regret start to boil in the pit of stomach. I'm not even sure if it's because of Dad, or because of something else -- as I step out of the house, I feel the crisp, and fresh summer air linger in the morning breeze. It rained last night, and it's starting to feel like the summer is really going to end soon. I fix the strap of my bag on my shoulder, and held my keys, and phone in hand as I start to walk towards the sidewalk, and put on my earbuds in. I could have taken the bus today, or I could have let Dad take me -- maybe, that's why I feel the regret.

As I continue my walk, I'm blasting some old Marilyn Manson I didn't realize I had on my playlist. It's a nice walk, a quiet walk. I'm not disturbed by anyone. I walk past houses of families leaving, and saying goodbye. Kids running to tell their parents I love you before getting onto the buses. It's a normal day -- a very good normal day. I hadn't realized that I was already a crosswalk away from the school, and instantly a wave of nervousness consumes me. I nip my bottom lip as I walk through the Gates of Hell, and is surrounded by fake people with fake smiles, and fake enthusiastic moods. I keep my head low, and my eyes to the ground, as I walk up to doors of the main building. I enter a crowded hallway of teenage boys and girls on both sides, talking amongst themselves. I turn the volume up, and their voices disappear. I turn the corner, and make my way over towards bulky doors that led me out into the pavilion courtyard. I see teens standing in line for their schedules, and I'm happy that it's not entirely full of students.

I walk up, keeping my head low, and end up on one of the four lines; they each have a table with a sign of letters categorized by the first letter of our last names. I was on the fourth row, and stood behind someone in a blue hoodie. I lowered the volume where I'm able to hear my surroundings, and looked around the courtyard. I haven't really spoken to any of my friends this summer, and I didn't mean to shut them out. They were probably looking for me; they tried to get into contact with me, but I had deleted all of my social media -- and even changed my number without my Dad knowing.

I don't feel any remorse. Does that make me a bad person?

Because I didn't want to be in contact with the people that care about me the most?

I really didn't tell Dad everything. I lied, and kept lying to him, and he hadn't asked again. Whenever they tried to come around, he either told him I was taking a nap, or it was simply a bad time. In some way, I think he knew. I questioned myself sometimes if I was doing the right thing -- to be alone...? To keep distance...? Maybe, that's why Dad tried to get me out of the house this entire summer -- I see the line start to move, and I didn't pay attention. I bump into the person in from of me.

I hitch a small breath, and looked up at him as he turned to look at me.

I quickly apologized, "sorry."

The boy had a stern look on his face, and his eyes were really dark. He seemed -- intimidating. I kept my distance when he turned back to face the front, and walk up towards the table. Yeah, he was really pretty -- intimidating.

**END OF CHAPTER ONE.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I'm a little nervous in what you guys might think of this story.  
> I have not written a story in such a long time, and I blame writer's block.  
> But, I hope I can make it justice. What do you guys think? I'll be replying back  
> to comments.  
> :)


	4. APOLLOGY

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phillip Sutter thinks he's the only one with problems.  
> Until he meets someone that changes things...
> 
> "These violent delights, have violent ends.  
> And in their triumph die, like fire and powder,  
> which as they kiss, consume..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING:  
> The story contains depicted scenes  
> of attempted suicide, and domestic physical abuse.  
> READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED.

**MY SCHEDULE IS** okay, I guess.

I have an Honors class, and two AP courses; it'll help me get into a good college next year. I have two electives, and two free periods. I finally worked my ass of last year to get my schedule looking the way it is. I folded the paper, and put it into the pocket of my binder I had taken out of my bag. I was walking over towards the cafeteria now; a little sit down before the first class of the day.

When I get to the doors, I look inside and see that it's a bit crowded. All I see is small little cliques sitting at their designated tables -- fake teens with fake smiles and laughter occupying their faces to one another. The Social Normalcy -- the cliché. I felt so out of place. I felt like I didn't belong here anymore. I might as well start to call myself a cliché too.

I keep my head down, and walk over to the other side of the cafeteria. I pass a table I've sat at for the past three years, and felt this uneasy feeling take over me. Just looking at the table had begun to bring back memories of my -- I end up at a small table. I put my bag down, and sat down on the table. I kept my earbuds in, drowning out the noises around me and looked around nervously.

I had hoped that no one would recognize me. I looked a little different: my hair was a little bit longer than before, and I was wearing clothes I would normally never wear. Like I said, I was a _'cliché'_ now. I looked different -- a good different. I nip softly at my bottom lip, as I look over to the side of me to find myself looking at someone familiar.

The same blue-hooded figure from this morning. He was sat across from me at another small table. He was looking down -- focused on his clutched hands on top of his bag, as if he were waiting on something. I keep my eyes slightly narrowed on him, as if I had looked interested in him or something. I start to analyze him: I see his face has this pale complexion, almost as if he were tan but had lost color completely. The summer was pretty hot this year; maybe, he wasn't an outside person? I see a slight color of blush in his cheeks, and his eyes (from where I'm looking) looked tiring, almost dark. I wouldn't blame him if he stays out late, and sleeps in late.

I nip my bottom lip when I see his lips. And they are telling me a different story. They look -- rough, almost a dark color with a slight pink hue; indicating the signs of -- I quickly look away when the teen meets my yes. I try to play it cool, reaching for my phone in my pocket and looking at the wallpaper. From the corner of my eye, I see that his attention is on me now. I slightly fidget in my seat, and hitched a small breath as I shuffled my playlist, and lowered the volume on my phone.

Thirty more minutes, I think to myself.

Thirty more minutes of being awkward with the boy who has malnourished lips

Someone sits in front of me, and takes back by surprise. For a small second, I had thought it would be him. And I had hoped that it would be him. But, I didn't expect that it would be -- "Do you mind? I have...nowhere to sit."

I swallowed a small lump in my throat as I looked at the raven-haired boy sitting in front of me. He had already started to fix himself his breakfast on his tray, so of course, I wouldn't tell him not to sit in front of me. I avert my eyes back down to my phone until I hear his voice again.

"Y-you don't mind a-at all if I sit here, right?"

I clear my throat, and shake my head slightly, "uh, no. I-I don't mind."

A small smile forms on his lips, and nods as he takes a bit out of his breakfast pancakes.

I lied. I did mind. And this was totally awkward.

After all I've done to him in the past, why would he want to sit with me? He's a really good person, and didn't deserve to be treated that way. And I don't deserve to be sitting in front of him, even if he knew what happened earlier this summer with my mother. I look over to the boy next door to see if he was paying any attention to what was going on, and thank god! He wasn't looking over here.

I look back at the raven-haired boy, and see that he's picking at an oatmeal.

"I shouldn't have gotten this," he says, chuckling softly under his breath.

He wipes the spork off with the napkin, and proceeds to continue eating his pancakes. He takes a bite, and looks up at me, and he's looking at me curiously. I was getting really nervous now.

"Why are you sitting alone?" he asks me.

"Uh," I furrow slightly, "I wanted to be alone..."

"Oh. Sorry. I hope I'm not, you know, bothering you--"

I shake my head, "no. You just caught me by surprise." I look over to the boy again, and I can see his head is tilted to the side, almost as if he's listening in on what I was saying now. His eyes look over at mine, and I'm taken back a bit surprise -- he got up from the table, and walked away. I felt a bit hurt for some reason.

"No one should be alone," I hear the boy say. "Believe me, it's the worst feeling in the world."

I stopped him, and he's surprised.

"And you're telling me this now because you're feeling sorry for me? Or because you want me to feel sorry for you?" I was surprised at myself for saying something to him. His eyes are wide open a bit, and his mouth is a little agape. "I really did want to be left alone, Mark."

His mouth closes, and I don't apologize.

He nods, "it's cool. I know we aren't friends anymore, and I don't know why I thought it would be a good idea to--" he stops himself. "I'm sorry..." Without any hesitation, he grabs for his things, and leaves the table. I'm starting to feel like a total dick now.

**> >>>>**/ _< <<<<_

The first two classes went okay.

The teachers were okay. And the lesson plans they went over with the class went okay. My first day of school was going okay. Was it a normal thing to say? I stay quiet, hiding in the back of the class, trying not to easily get the attention I didn't want from anyone. The bell rang for third period, or for first lunch. I had a free period, and anyone who has a free period would either go home for an hour, hang out in the football field or got lunch.

Since I didn't have a car, or any friends, I guess I would be able to hang out in the library until it was time for me to go to lunch. I didn't feel hungry at the moment; I just felt a little tired. I could take a power nap by the window bed on the second floor of the library, which sounded like a good idea. I walk through the crowded hallway, continuing to feel invisible as I get to my locker. I undo my combination, and start to set my things inside. I look over next to me, and four lockers away was him. The boy in the familiar blue hoodie. He's putting his things inside, careful and almost precise.

I felt myself gawking over at his appearance. He wasn't wearing his hoodie. His hair's long, disheveled, and dark brown. Maybe black? His black and white converse have tiny holes, and his shoelaces are loose and dirty. His jeans are faded, and over-washed, and one of his knees is ripped up. I'm not sure why I'm looking at him as if he was the most interesting person I've ever seen. And I couldn't stop. I look away from his wardrobe, and look down at his red-covered knuckles. Not only did it worry me (and had me curious), I had looked up to his side profile: he has a slight bruise on his cheek.

I'm not one to judge, but was he trouble?

It would explain why he seemed so reserved. And intimidating.

I never really seen him around last year. Was he a new student? What grade was he in? He had to be in the same grade as me. But, he seemed so young...

I look away, and return back to my locker. If he's a new student, and no one had acknowledged him, should I go up and make a move? I mean, make the move to become his friend. I know it's contradicting to what I've said before about being alone, but it doesn't hurt to try and make new -- I hear the slam of a locker close shut, and I look over to see that the blue-hooded boy walked away.

He has his head hung low, and pulls up his hoodie.

I wouldn't -- or couldn't be friends with him. We were the totally opposite of each other. It would never happened. I scan the hallway for him, but he's gone. And I felt lonely again. I gave up, and closed my locker and start to walk through the hallway towards the library. When I turn the corner, I stop myself. I see Mark at his locker, and I felt regretful. Mark and I were completely different people too. But, it never had stopped us before then...

Mark was trying to rekindle something, and I acted like a totally asshole to him. A wave of remorse comes to me, and I simply give in. I walk over towards him, tightly clutching at the strap of my bag and forgetting my intentions of taking a nap in the library. I cautiously walk over to him, and he's looking like he's sulking -- my fault, of course.

I nervously say, "hey," and he turns his attention to me. His expression changes from surprise to confusion -- to curious anger. God! I am such a people reader. I extend my hand out, and smiled thinly, "my name is Phillip Sutter."

He looks down at my extended hand, and looks up at me again. His expression changes, and his lips start to loosen a bit into a small smile. He eventually gives in, and takes my hand to shake it.

"Mark Lee."

"Nice to meet you, Mark Lee."

He chuckles under his breath.

_> >>>>_/ **< <<<<**

We had the same class together, which was kind of ironic after what happened between us this morning. Mark and I had gone over to the library to hang out during our free period together, and as much as I wanted to take a nap, I wanted to try and give it a chance with him. I wanted us to rekindle our friendship together, or at least try to.

Mark said he spent the summer at his summer family home, and spent most of the trip reading books inside. I can imagine Mark doing something like that. I mostly talked about my summer too. But, I didn't mention things about what happened with -- I mentioned about how his little brother Silas was doing, and things got a little bit awkward. Mark looked like the world had stopped for him.

He didn't say anything, and he looked a little bit uncomfortable about saying something. He didn't though. He tried to change the subject, or at least I tried to change the subject. But, I can still feel the awkwardness was still there. And I was starting to feel uncomfortable about it. And it also didn't help at the fact that I was a little hungry. I didn't want any cafeteria food. And he looked like he didn't want to eat either. So, we left the library and walked over towards the vending machine that was across the hallway. Mark took out some money from his pocket, and asked me, "BBQ or Cheetos?"

"Hmm," I nip my bottom lip. Was it those choices only? "Uh, BBQ. I don't like Cheeto fingers."

He chuckles softly under his breath, "good choice."

He puts the money in, and presses the buttons. The chip falls, and he opens it up as I'm starting to take out my money as well. But, Mark hands it over to me, and says to take it. I thanked him quickly as he takes out another dollar from his pocket and puts into the machine to take out his chips too. We also got two small yellow Gatorade bottles from the drink machine that was next to it. I guess this will help me out until I come home and eat something...

We walk side-by-side together, and I can still feel a little awkward between us. I nip my bottom lip, thinking about what I had said earlier in the library -- about mentioning his little brother. Yeah, it was a touchy subject to talk about. I know the situation of what's going on with Silas, and I was trying to -- the bell rings, and the hallway quickly crowds with teens. We walk through them, and we find our classroom. It's English, and I like this subject.

I'll probably become an English major when I get into college. Maybe, become an English teacher or work for a publishing company? Something along those lines.

Mark goes in first, and starts to lead the way inside. I keep my eyes low to the ground until I feel two pair of familiar eyes on me. I look up, and I'm taken by surprise to see them. "Shit..." I mutter under his breath, as I walk pass them. I see Mark had led us to the back of the classroom to any empty table. I set my things down, and sit down next to him. I feel their eyes on me, and I'm trying my best not to look over at them. I can't help it; I haven't seen them since the beginning of the summer. I nip my bottom lip, and look over at Mark. He's taking a sip from his bottle, and smiled at me. I smiled back slightly, and turned to look to the side -- and I'm taken back by surprise.

It's him.

He's surprised to see me too.

It's the blue-hooded boy. I swallow the hard lump in my throat as I look away from him. The bell rings, and the English teacher comes in to start his lesson plans. He goes over them about what we were going to be doing this year, but I wasn't paying attention to what was going on. I kept looking back and forth between Mark, the two friends and -- Johnny Seo. That is his name, the blue-hooded boy. I found out his name when the teacher had started his roll call. I hadn't realized that I was paying more attention to him than the other two things. He was writing, or drawing something down. The teacher hadn't told us about writing things down.

I felt like he knew I was looking at him because from time to time, I see his eyes are on me.

When the bell rang, which caught me by surprise, my very first instinct to do was to look over at his direction. And I'm happy that I did. We lock eyes, and he has this very stern look on his face. He packs up his things, and gets up from the table, and leaves behind the piece of paper on the table. His eyes leave mine, and I see him walk away towards the door, putting on his hoodie, and disappearing. I get up from the table, and walk over to his, and I look at the paper.

I'm not surprised that my theory about him drawing something was correct. But, I'm taken more surprised to see that it's a drawing of me -- a really good drawing of me. I see wording underneath it, and it's slightly erased that reads, "fuck off." I chuckle under my breath as I read those words. So, I guess he knew I was being a little -- I hear Mark behind me call for my name, and I quickly grab the paper from the table and folded it.

I smile at him as I grab for my personal belongings, and my bag and we walk out of the classroom together.

**> >>>>**/ _< <<<<_

I had come up with a few theories about why Johnny was so resentful towards me. Well, mostly two theories. First, it's probably because I bumped into him, and because I apologized. I was truly sorry for bumping into him, and I guess he doesn't really like accepting it. Or second, because I was staring at him, and I'm only saying this because I just have a feeling that it might be true, but it's because he's a beautiful vampire.

A vampire that thirsted for my sweet, delicious blood, and I've triggered him. And he can't drink my blood because he'll be exposed himself to the world, and I'll have to end up becoming a vampire in the end so that I'll be able to keep his secret safe. And then, I would go mad with thirst for blood, and I'll end up getting killed!

Scratch that theory.

First day of school was expected as it should. No one came up to me and asked me about how I was feeling. I didn't get to see any of my friends, but I did make a friend -- well, rekindle with an old friend. And I have someone that doesn't really like me. Not the biggest success to accomplish, but, I'm okay about it.

When I get to the house, I see that dad's car is still in the driveway. Had he not left the house? He could have gone to work; I told him that he didn't have to worry about anything. I walk up towards the house, and opened the door with my keys. When I enter inside, I see the old man sitting in the living room watching a game on TV. I walk over to him sitting in his chair, and I see that clothes are a little bit fancier than earlier today.

Did he got out, or is planning to go out somewhere?

"Hi, dad."

"How was school?" he asks, as I walk over towards the couch and sit down. "Like I said, it was fine." I see two players on TV pass each other a ball, and look over at him with a smile on my face.

"You saw any of your friends?"

Of course, he's playing 20 questions.

"Uh," I shake my head, "not today. I'll probably see them tomorrow or something." I lied. I'm not going to see any of them any time soon. I see Dad nod and return back to the TV.

"Okay. I hope I get to see them around. It's been quiet around here."

"Yeah..." I mutter under my breath. I felt uncomfortable now. I clear my throat, and get up from the couch and leave towards the stairs. "I'm going to take a nap..."

"Okay, but I'll wake you up later then. We got invited to have dinner with the Bangs' tonight." I stop myself when he said it. Is that why he's dressed up a little good? I have to make an excuse now; Dad still thinks I'm friends with --

"Uh, I don't think I'll be able go," I told him. "I'm going to meeting up with Mark Lee tonight? You remember him? He wants to meet up for a homework sess..."

Dad furrows, "Mark Lee? You're still friends with him?"

"Yeah," I nod, "I've always been friends with him."

"Oh...okay," he says. "Uh, I guess that's totally fine with me. I'll come up with an excuse to tell them. But, you'll have to go to the next one, okay?"

I nod. "I know. Thank you."

He nods too, and returns back to watching the TV. I nip my bottom lip, and start to walk the first step of the stairs but stop myself. I return back to looking at him, and I get his attention, "dad?" He turns his head look at me. "Don't mention anything to Christopher, or the Bangs'. Promise?"

He furrows, "uh, okay? Is everything alright?"

"Yeah, I just -- don't tell him anything."

He furrows again, and nods.

I nod, "thank you." I don't want him to mention to me about anything so I quickly walk (run) up towards the second level of the house, and quickly make it to my room. I sighed as I get inside. I lean up against the door as I throw my bag to the side, and take my shoes off. A sigh of relief escapes my lips as I walk over to my bed, and I land on my back. The cold comforter feels amazing right now, and I wanted nothing more to just sleep.

I take my phone out of my pocket, and I see the folded paper. I nip my bottom lip as I looked at it, and shook my head a bit. Who was I kidding? It was never going to happened between us. He hates me, and all I did was bump into him. You would think that I would have the balls to come up to him and say something to him. But, I don't. He might as well be a vampire -- I need to stop reading YA novels.

I set the folded paper to the side, as well as my phone and grab for my pillow behind me to set underneath my head. I put my legs up to my chest, and get comfortable up against the pillow and yawned a bit. I start to think about earlier today -- about Mark and how I was so mean to him all these years, about seeing my two old best friends, and how I would feel like they would say something to the others, about dad having dinner at Christopher Bang's house, and about Johnny Seo.

I didn't think I would be returning my thoughts back to that boy again.

I close my eyes, hoping that I would be able to clear my head from him. But as soon as sleep falls on me, my brain did the opposite. It was the first night I dreamt of Johnny Seo.

**END OF CHAPTER TWO.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I completely lost this entire chapter by accident. And I had to redo everything. So, I'm sorry if this chapter is not really that good. I've tried my best to remember what I had written. Anyways, how is it so far? Let me know!


	5. DREAMING

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phillip Sutter thinks he's the only one with problems.  
> Until he meets someone that changes things...
> 
> "These violent delights, have violent ends.  
> And in their triumph die, like fire and powder,  
> which as they kiss, consume..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING:  
> The story contains depicted scenes  
> of attempted suicide, and domestic physical abuse.  
> READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED.

**JOHNNY SEO WAS** in my room.

He was sitting with his legs crossed on my bed, with both of his hands on either knee. His eyes are directly staring into me, and they aren't tense like I've always had seen them. No, his eyes were brown and soft, like melted chocolate -- and I wanted nothing more than for those eyes to continue to directly look at me as if I were the most person in his world.

They were on me, like a hawk watching over his prey. He's hungry; craving for the attention, and that's exactly what I'm giving him. But, the reaction I was getting was totally off-putting. Maybe, he didn't want me to give him the attention -- maybe, he wanted me to help him. He's mouthing words I can't really understand. He's mute.

I don't really know his voice, so I guess my brain is really reassuring me what he's trying to tell me. He continues to mouth words, and I gave my best to understand his lips. I get frustrated, and I start to give up.

I continue to look at his lips even more, and his lips move a bit slow, and I'm able to understand. The light in my room starts to fade out, and total darkness surrounds us. It's like we're under a spotlight, and it's just the two of us in this empty, dark space.

I'm starting to not like the dark. And I don't like how Johnny is scaring me.

He leans forward, and his lips are few inches away from mine, and his brown eyes are clearer than ever. My breath hitches against his lips, and I can feel his own warm breath on mine. He continues to lean forward, and I'm hoping that he'll kiss me and make all of this disappear.

But, it doesn't happen.

He's leaned into me, and set his face against mine. And his lips are up against my ear, and he whispers, "don't be my friend." I'm sitting on my bed, confused why he was told me this. I felt hut. Those words hurt me for some unknown reason. He leans away from me, and I'm staring into the most saddest eyes I've ever seen.

I try to say something, but the words weren't coming out of my mouth. He said nothing; he just stared at me. I can feel hot tear start to well up in my eyes, and the image of him begins to blur together. I try to say that I wanted to be his friend, and I tried to reach out to him in this total darkness, but as I do, he starts to stretch further and further away from me.

The void of darkness makes him disappear, and I'm consumed by my loneliness. I don't want to be alone anymore. It's not a good feeling. I try to yell out, scream for someone to help me. But, I can't. My lips won't press together; I'm frozen. I close my eyes, hoping that I would return back to what's real.

And I do.

I open my eyes, and I hear the rain patter up against my window. My room is dark, and cold. And I am laying in bed. I was softly trying to catch my breath, and felt something trickle down the side of my face. I had quickly wiped it away thinking it was a spider or something. But, it was wet. I was crying. I woke up to myself crying.

I exhaled a quick breath, and got up from the bed to wipe my face. I had started to listen to the sound of the rain. I was in some sort of tired trance, and begun to think at how long I've been knocked out. I grab for my phone, and it I read the time saying it's 9:30 p.m. with 15% battery charge. I've been sleeping for 6 and a half hours?

I felt exhausted. Was I really that tired?

I nip my bottom lip, and dangled my feet from the bed, and ran my fingers through my bed hair before I hear the front door open. It takes me by a quick surprise, and I quickly think back to what I said earlier to dad.

I get up from the bed, and walk over to a pile of clothes I had not picked up yet, and picked up some sweats I've only worn for two days, and put them on after taking my jeans off. I'll wash the clothes later tonight before I go to bed again.

I walk out of my room, and I'm quiet about it. My stomach says otherwise. It growls as I get to the bottom of the stairs. I can smell food coming from the kitchen. I yawn, walking over towards the kitchen, and I see dad near the sink, washing his hands.

On the island counter, there's this plastic container which I had hoped it was his leftovers. I walk over, and my stomach growls louder and it makes dad turn his attention on me.

He's smiling, "hey, you hungry? It's Chinese take-out."

"Thanks," I reply back as I sit on one of the stools. I grab for the plastic container, and opened it up to see rice, and chicken, and some mixed broccoli, and white rice -- Jesus Christ! Dad just dumped anything in here.

Dad hands me a plastic spork, and I start to dig in. He also takes out a cold soda from the fridge for me, and sets it on the counter. I nod, thanking him as I put a spork-ful of rice into my mouth. He's sitting across from me, and we're both quiet in the kitchen. It's only the sounds of my chewing and the rain outside are the only things being heard.

I swallow the food, and look at him, and I ask him, "how were the Bangs'?"

He nods a bit, "it was okay. Your other friend Felix was there."

"Oh," I nod, very taken back by hearing that. "I--I didn't know that."

Dad doesn't say anything, and I can feel those eyes just look at me as if he wanted to tell me something that happened at his dinner. Suddenly, I didn't feel like eating anymore. "Did you get to hang out with Mark today?"

I didn't say, or do anything. I just looked down at the food in front of me before I met his eyes again. I softly shook my head. "No, I didn't get too." I lied, "he had to help out with his mom."

I reached and took the can in hand, and opened it. I let it fizz a bit before I took a sip from it, and sat here in silence. The rain continues outside, and I'm starting to think that dad might want to talk to me about what happened at the dinner.

My eyes slowly look back at him again, and I'm nervous as heck.

"Phillip," he says. "Do you have anything you want to tell me?"

I don't say anything.

"You know, I love you. And I don't want to pressure you into telling me things you don't want to tell me. But, if something is wrong--"

"Nothing is wrong," I told him. "I--I'm okay."

Dad doesn't say anything. He's just there. He nods. And says, "okay..."

I don't like to lie to him. But, they are some things that I am not ready to discuss with him yet. Dad nods over at the food, and says, "you should finish eating. I'll be upstairs, getting ready for bed."

I quickly nod. He leaves the kitchen, and doesn't take a second to look back at me. I felt like I disappointed him. What happened this dinner that made him want to question me. What did Felix and Christopher tell him?

I sort of finish the leftover, but I set it aside in the middle of the counter, and put the half-full can in the fridge before going upstairs to my room. Dad had his door closed, which was probably a good idea. I walk over to my room, and enter. I lean up against the door, and I'm back in my thoughts again.

I was probably not going to sleep any time soon, and I didn't feel up for it to go ahead and wash my clothes. I walked over to my bathroom, and turned on the light to look at myself in the mirror. There was something wrong with me...

I felt really alone. And I felt sad. I start to think about the dream I had about Johnny, and I'm even more sadden at the fact I wasn't liked back by him. I had to stop thinking about it before I start to have a mental breakdown over something really --

I turn off the bathroom lights, and walk back into my room towards my bed. I see the folded paper on the comforter, and reach down to look at it. I unfold it, and I'm looking at the drawing. And I'm looking down at the words, "fuck off". I nip my bottom lip, and look up at my wall above my bed. It's not all empty.

I walk over towards the wall, and look for a spot to post the drawing. And I do. It's not totally weird that I'm having this up on my bedroom wall. It' a good drawing of me. When I sit down on the bed, and I'm staring at the picture, I find myself staring back into Johnny's eyes.

This is how he sees me...

**> >>>>**/ _< <<<<_

Today, I'm going to take a different route to school.

It'll be a shortcut, and it'll be easier for me to get to school, and confront Johnny before I'm seen by the others. After last nights' events, I had the sudden urge that I had to talk to him. Sure, it's only the second day of school, but we needed to talk.

I get ready quickly in the morning, waking up before dawn broke in the horizon. I left an hour out of the house before I was actually suppose to leave. I didn't even get to see dad before I left. I had a feeling that we shouldn't be any each other's presence until he was ready for me to talk.

I get the corner of the sidewalk, and look towards an alleyway. It's still pretty dark, and morning light hasn't really made an appearance over here. I nip my bottom lip, and started to make my over to the other side. I became cautious, and quiet. I didn't have to be. All of these houses where either fenced up, or gated.

I get startled to the sound of a bottle being thrown to the ground, and an angry voice just shouting into the wind at someone. I stopped walking. It was way early for this. I was looking over at where the voice was coming from, and the profanity this person was saying -- it was awful.

I hear a door slam, and a wooden fence open up. Someone steps out with a garbage bag in one hand, and a book-bag in the other. And you had to be fucking kidding me...it was Johnny. I was taken back by the sudden surprise that I couldn't move from where I was standing. He throws the bag into the tin garbage can, and had looked over towards me.

I feel like I'm swallowing rocks. I didn't know what to do. I felt like I was gawking over him like he was -- "What the fuck are you looking at?"

It takes me back by how angry his voice sounds. It's rough, deep heavy and broken. As if he didn't care how bad it would sound. I try to look at other things: like his shirt covered in stains, or the overfilled garbage bags on the ground. Or even the same jeans he's wearing from yesterday -- "Are you fucking deaf, too?"

"Uh," I hitch slightly, "I'm sorry. I-I didn't mean--"

He scoffs, and turns on his heels. He puts his book-bag on, and starts to walk away. I was frozen -- Johnny was here in front of me, and I wanted to confront of him, and I couldn't because now I was feeling terrified. My brain shut down on me, making it useless for me to even think of something to say.

I had my chance, but the words are definitely not going to be said. But, I felt my feet give into their own, and I was walking behind him. My eyes were on him -- behind him. Intimidation comes around again when we find ourselves out of the alleyway. Morning light breaks and light starts to come through. I kept my distance -- still get my distance.

I keep my head low, trying not to draw any attention to myself until I see that I'm by the end of the sidewalk, and Johnny is standing right next to me. I felt like I wanted to die. I felt his aura give off such hatred that I couldn't get myself to look anywhere else but the ground below me. Cars pass us, and stop. The sidewalk post tells us we can walk, but Johnny isn't walking.

And I wasn't either.

I look over -- side-eye him to see that he's looking down at me. My breath hitches, and I turn cautiously to take a look at him. His eyes are tense, and dark like they've always been. And they are looking at me as if I was nothing to him. I couldn't take full effect when he moves forward in front of me; all I could see was his face.

Morning light is bright, and I can see the color of his cheeks, I can see that his skin is slightly tan. I can see the small cuts on his lips, and the scars he has around his chin area. The purple bags under his eyes, and slightly-faded bruise on the right side of his cheek. His complexion smooth but seemed rough if I had to touch. The shape of his nose, and jawline -- almost as if he looked like death.

He was death.

And he was greeting me with open arms.

Johnny is tall, and fuller. And when I meant by that, he was muscular-toned. He's not lanky like I would have believed he would be. He looked like a Greek god, compared to anyone I've seen at school. And yet, he's in pain.

I react a bit, and let out a soft shaky exhale as his eyes stare into mine. Those tense brown eyes are so sudden; it felt like I was drawn back to the dream from last night. But, the dream was completely different to this reality one.

His jaw clenches shut, and moves a little forward.

I'm still as he leans in, and his face closes the gap between us. And I'm expected he would kiss me, but it doesn't happened. He's leaned forward, his cheek grazing mine as his lips are up against my ear. A shiver chills down my spine as his cold tone of voice escapes into whisper, "I will hurt you," he says. "I will hurt if you know me."

 _'Don't be my friend'_. I hear that in my thoughts.

I felt defeated.

Did he know...?

Was it obvious...?

He leans back, and his eyes meet mine once again, and I can see them darker than ever. Like he's lost hope too. His eyes avert to my lips, and suddenly, he's gone. He's open the gap between us, and left me alone. For a split second, I thought I saw a bit of regret. Or it may have just been me wanting a different outcome.

When he's on the other side of the road, I let out a shaky breath I did not know I was holding back, and felt something trickle down my cheek. I place my hand, brushing it away and seeing that it was a tear. I was crying. Why was I crying? Yes, his words hurt me even when I thought I had hope, but there was no need for me too.

I compose myself, and kept myself compose. I wiped my face with the sleeve of my flannel shirt, and waited for the light to turn green again for me to cross. I nip my bottom lip when I hear a car start to pass me, and I look to see that it's not a random car passing me by.

It's Christopher's car.

**END OF CHAPTER THREE.**


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